Career A word from the president of the world

[Jens]

“My fellow Americans, today is the start of something new. It’s going to be really great. So great.” Earlier today, American president Donald Trump gave a euphoric speech at the Allianz Arena. As he was addressing the gathered crowd, consisting mainly of Bayern Munich fans, board members and journalists - the only Americans present were the president, his chief press secretary and his family - his audience didn’t take long to know something was about to happen.

As president Trump continued with his speech, jaws were dropping, beers were spilled and some people fainted. “I have just finished buying this great and wonderful club. Over the past few years, I have seen Bayern try and fail at being great. Now, I know a thing or two about being great, and making something really, great,” the president said. “I believe the Munich fans deserve something better, something terrific. So terrific. That is why I have decided to put this fallen giant back on the right track. You, my fellow Americans, are looking at the new owner of this powerful club. So powerful.”

President Trump continued like that for over 30 minutes, essentially repeating the same message, over and over. At the end of his speech, Trump himself left, but journalists were given the chance to ask questions to his press secretary, Sean Spicer. Being asked what the short term plans were for the club, Spicer responded as follows: “First and foremost, it is the presidents wish that the club be moved elsewhere in this wonderful nation. We won’t be operating from Munich any longer, but from New York City, the Big Apple. The club will be training and playing in the Trump Tower, where a stadium will be erected at the top.”

Spicer was subsequently hit by a number of journalists, saying that NYC is not located in Germany at all. Spicer: “Germany? Who said anything about Germany? We’re in Munich, North Dakota, what are rambling about Germany? And why do you have such a funny accent? You know what, I believe you’re fake news. Guards, please escort this man out.”

The next question was what would happen to the players and training staff; would they be required to move to the USA as well? “People, please, New York is part of the USA as well. Don’t be racist!” Spicer said. “But it is a good question: all the players will, in fact, be released and replaced by better, more potent American players. The president and myself don’t understand why you would want all these Germans and other non-Americans playing in our beautiful city of Munich, North Dakota.”

“As for the manager, he will be replaced by president Trump himself. We asked Ancelotti if he didn’t want to stay on, but he said something about ‘andare a cazzo una capra’, which I can only believe means something like ‘I am not worthy to serve you, übermenschen’. But the president will no doubt do a fine job in winning the MLS cup this year. That will be all, for now.”

[BatiGoal]

Interesting turn of events!! Can't wait for more controversy 

[mcandrew003]

Intriguing, looking forward to more!

[samhardy]

A very 'Jens like' introduction! Looking forward to seeing what happens next

[Brenty92]

This is going to be epic!

[Ashez]

Every time I think I've seen all Vibe can offer Mr Jens turns up with the oddest storyline imaginable. 

[Jens]

Shuksydoodles friends, you're all too kind. The second part should be up this weekend. That is if I can get my slave to actually do some work.

[samhardy]

After a hectic two weeks in New York City, USA and Munich, Germany, it had finally began to sink in that Mr Trump, arguably the most powerful man in the world, would be sharing his political responsibilities with that of being in charge of Germany's biggest football club, Bayern Munich...

*August 6*

Hurried journalists rushed in to the Allianz Arena in which Mr Trump's press secretary Sean Spicer and assistant manager Mike Pence had called for a press conference. Mr Spicer was the first to speak.

"First of all, I'm not quite sure what we're doing in this ridiculous bowl shaped contraption that you like to call a 'football stadium'. Stage one of making Bayern great again was the relocation to the Big Apple in which all the matches and press conferences will be taking place during the course of this season...

Then, in a strange sequence of events Mr Pence waved his arms frantically to get the attention of Mr Spicer before appearing to show him something on his mobile phone. That something, we now understand, being this:

Mr Spicer then continued:

"Yes, what a beautiful city and stadium this is. I'm sure you all agree. All you journalists and all the fans will all agree. That's if we haven't scared all the Bayern fans away already that is. Haha!" After realising that that's exactly what had happened, and the only Bayern fans remaining were adopted ones from the United States, the smile was quickly removed from the press secretary's face.

It was then the turn of assistant manager Mr Pence to say a few words about transfers.

"As you're all aware, we have taken the step any sensible soccer club owner would do and replaced every single non-US player in the squad with more talented, capable Americans. Wide receiver Timothy Tillman will stay with the club due to his American connections. Now, cast your eyes over this neat spreadsheet showcasing all our wonderful transfer activity".

Transfers Out:

R.Lewandowski, M.Hummels, D.Alaba, J.Boateng, T.Muller - Barcelona - £339M

A.Vidal, A.Robben - Manchester United - £83M

Thiago - Chelsea - £28M

D.Costa - PSG - £26M

J.Martinez - Leicester - £26M

P.Lahm - Tottenham - £23.5M

M.Benatia, H.Badstuber - Inter Milan - £38M

J.Kimmich - AC Milan - £17.75M

J.Bernat - Villarreal - £14.25M

Rafinha - Stoke - £8.25M

G.Gaudino - Sassuolo - £7.25M

X.Alonso - Schalke - £1.2M

Army of Americans:

Brad Guzan
Ethan Horvath
Tim Howard (v/c)
William Yarbrough

John Brooks
Cameron Carter-Vickers
Desevio Payne
Geoff Cameron
Caleb Stanko
Timothy Chandler
Fabian Johnson

Michael Bradley (c)
Russell Canouse
Ander Egiluz
Jermaine Jones
Perry Kitchen
Alfredo Morales
Emerson Hyndman
Jerome Kiesewetter
Joseph-Claude Gyau
Christian Pulisic
Joel Sonora
Kai Koreniuk
Timothy Tillman
Benny Feilhaber
Julian Green
Clint Dempsey

Bobby Wood
Andrew Wooten
Maurice Malone
Chris Wondolowski
Terrence Boyd
Aron Johannsson

Similarly to the shock announcement just a few weeks earlier, eyes bulged, drinks were spilled and some journalists fainted as they realised what transfers had actually taken place. Bayern Munich had been taken over by an army of Americans.

Pence: "A lot of depth to the roster this season. There is no end to the talent stretching from our quarterbacks all the way through to the cornerbacks. Any team the president and myself are in charge of are going to ensure we play hard for all four quarters of each game, we will not stop till we have reached the playoffs of this so called 'Bundesliga' and until we clinch the divisional title at the end of the regular season".

"You will see just how serious we are when we take on the Borussia Dortmund Yellows in the German Superbowl next week".

[Mikee1984]

I can't believe Real Madrid never snapped up one Bayern player lol good luck to the Americans.

[Real_Random]

This looks like a great concept. Good luck 

[Ashez]

Those last two sections cracked me up! 

[BatiGoal]

great stuff!

Can't imagine how those loyal Bayern men would feel seeing their beautiful club being torn apart in a single transfer window lol

[Jens]

Well, thanks for stealing my thunder, @samhardy ?

Couldn't find a thread for yourself, huh? Had to steal mine?

[samhardy]

18 hours ago, Mikee1984 said:

I can't believe Real Madrid never snapped up one Bayern player lol good luck to the Americans.

Even more unbelievable when Barca's finances were insecure after the transfer window!

What can I say Jens that stunning OP needed to be followed

[samhardy]

Dear Mr President,

As you take care of the "important business" that has sprung up outside of this long new long term project, I figured it would be beneficial to inform you of how the last week has panned out leading up to the start of the regular season. We have had two 'friendlies', I believe they are called. Yes, some games can be played in a friendly manner in this sport. What kind of job have we taken on here? Flower arranging?

The first game took place against one of our regular season opponents in Bayer Leverkusen, at their arena. (Note - the posts are a lot smaller and lower over here than back home), and after taking to the field with no protective masks on our warriors managed to get out of there with the score at two field goals each. (Note 2 - Why does the referee keep blowing that god damn whistle every time we go for the touchdown pass? Doesn't he know it's distracting and puts us of the throw?)

I then missed the second game as my opinion was that the organisers were having me on; apparently we were meant to be playing against Lyon, a team from another country? WTF? Unsurprisingly we won the match by three touchdowns to one, all of this taking place whilst I brushed up on my 'FIFA 17' skills. But still, a win before we've even reached the regular season!

What was the business you were attending to again? Trying out your new golf course in Nova Scotia? German Superbowl is in 48 hours time, will you be back before then? If not, can I join you? This soccer management malarkey is way more stressful than anything else in our lives at the moment...

P.S When will you actually return? It's very easy to put on a brave face over here, but, to be honest there's an influential gap on the sidelines where you would usually be. To put it briefly, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Bradley and Howard have pretty much been in charge. Please come back ASAP!

Sincerely yours,
Mike Pence, Vice president of the United States and Bayern Soccer assistant manager.

[Jens]

Oh my, how that story is unravelling!I will have to come up with something truly extroardinary if I am to seize back this thread.

[BatiGoal]

2 hours ago, samhardy said:

Dear Mr President,

As you take care of the "important business" that has sprung up outside of this long new long term project, I figured it would be beneficial to inform you of how the last week has panned out leading up to the start of the regular season. We have had two 'friendlies', I believe they are called. Yes, some games can be played in a friendly manner in this sport. What kind of job have we taken on here? Flower arranging?

The first game took place against one of our regular season opponents in Bayer Leverkusen, at their arena. (Note - the posts are a lot smaller and lower over here than back home), and after taking to the field with no protective masks on our warriors managed to get out of there with the score at two field goals each. (Note 2 - Why does the referee keep blowing that god damn whistle every time we go for the touchdown pass? Doesn't he know it's distracting and puts us of the throw?)

I then missed the second game as my opinion was that the organisers were having me on; apparently we were meant to be playing against Lyon, a team from another country? WTF? Unsurprisingly we won the match by three touchdowns to one, all of this taking place whilst I brushed up on my 'FIFA 17' skills. But still, a win before we've even reached the regular season!

What was the business you were attending to again? Trying out your new golf course in Nova Scotia? German Superbowl is in 48 hours time, will you be back before then? If not, can I join you? This soccer management malarkey is way more stressful than anything else in our lives at the moment...

P.S When will you actually return? It's very easy to put on a brave face over here, but, to be honest there's an influential gap on the sidelines where you would usually be. To put it briefly, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Bradley and Howard have pretty much been in charge. Please come back ASAP!

Sincerely yours,
Mike Pence, Vice president of the United States and Bayern Soccer assistant manager.

I don't think the German tabloid papers can keep up wit this madness. It's X-mas time for the media LOL

[mcandrew003]

This is getting funnier with each update, you 2 are killing this! @Jens @samhardy 

We'll see if Mr.Trump makes it back in time, maybe he lands his private jet on the pitch before kick-off 

[Ashez]

This is so much better than it has any right to be! Hats off to you both! 

[samhardy]

Thanks for all the comments! Don't get too comfortable though as it's over to Jens next where no doubt the quality will come crashing down!

[Jens]

If anyone would like to help out by doing some photoshops for us, please feel free to reach out. Your reward will be a small role in our story.

[Jens]

Season the First

I felt I had to do something. Little Mikey was so so distraught while I was away, I couldn’t do that to him. I’m planning on making Mike Pence great again, but it will take some time it seems. I’ll need more than one season to make this German club thingy successful as well. When I did get back, right before the Super Bowl against Drymund, we started work on the instant. So quick. We did great. We shot them bastards back to the ISIS-infested wastelands in North Korea, you had to see it. It took us shootouts, but we did it. Although I couldn’t quite grasp why they just didn’t tackle those yellow shirts to death. After all, THIS IS TRUMPLAAAAAAND.

The lying fake media, meanwhile, has lately been busy filleting my first season. It was a blast. Really great. Very powerful. No matter what the cheats at CNN dare to say. We won the competition, like easy peasy lemon squeezy. Take a load of that, Lying Hillary. We won it with a whole point before Borussian Drymond and we shut Putin the hell up. It was beautiful. The media claims we lost five games in the whole season, but that’s untrue. We were the moral victors in those games.

My man Clint Dempsey dominated the competition by what I can only assume are ‘touchdowns’, when the fake media talks about ‘goals’. If someone can be the best with as little as seventeen touchdowns, it just proves how pussy these Germans are. ‘MURICA! Dempsey also proved the best at rebounds, if that is what assists actually are. I don’t know, I don’t speak English. We’ll have to teach this soccer world some real, good, fancy American. Of course, my good boy also became MVP with the highest average rating. He has definitively proven that American men are more manly than any other race.

Fabian Johnson tried to prove that as well, by earning 14 yellow cards. He was nice and ferocious on the physical front, just as I instructed him. He earned a lot of time-outs, which bizarrely took more than two minutes in this damned country. Here, it turns out, the time out is for the rest of the game, can you believe it? So dumb, very very dumb.

The continental competition was something else entirely. They call it the ‘league of champions’, but how can that be when we, the German champions were only in it for a brief time? It’s a total rip-off competition. We won quite some games, but the other teams weren’t kicked out, because “it’s the group fase”, but when we lose, we get disqualified. The whole world is cheating us, I tell you. In America we would brawl it out and be heroes. Here, you get suspended for that. Poor Fabian.

The German cup wasn’t held this year, I believe. I can’t remember it anyway. And neither can you so shut up about it!

I don’t get how my ‘domestic player bias’ can be that bad. I only hired real, true, manly Americans! These people…

My outgoing transfers proved to be the right ones. Roberto Lewdofski had a terrible season at Barcelonetta. You just wait until Dempsey reaches his prime. He’ll show you how many touchdowns he can score in a single season. He’s so powerful. The same for Muellerthomas. We’ll grab ‘em by the pussy when we see those Catalan Cats again. Robben got robbed. Haha! Geddit? He got banished to the Netherlands, which is the capital city of Brussels. Thiago is a foreigner. We ought to have send him back to where he came from. Mexico.

After the season it turned out that the entire first team of the national USA Dream Team All Stars is made up of my boys. Perhaps I should buy the national team as well then, I will have to look into that.

[salohcin]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ermagawd this is damn funny i literally LOL-ed while reading all of this. All these trump jokes are better than those memes online man! Great job HAHAHAHAHA, rly looking forward to the next update!

[samhardy]

That Dempsey will be some player in his prime

[mcandrew003]

Trump taking to life over in Munich it seems. Shame the German Cup want held, might need to talk to the officials over there about that 

[Ashez]

This is hilarious!

Dempsey really impressed which was great to see, I've always liked him as a player, crazy to think we almost swapped Henderson for him though.

[BatiGoal]

geographical blunders of the highest class LOL

All 23 players called up, that's one way to work on "team building" hehe!

[samhardy]

Jens has gone silent so I'm here to thank you for the comments on his lazy behalf.

Also, the guy that played that season must be unbelievable at FMM

[Harish]

Well,after laughing my stomach out....I bow to you for this amazing,hilarious career....I can only imagine what happens when Trump plays the CWC against a Mexican club

[Jens]

15 minutes ago, Harish said:

Well,after laughing my stomach out....I bow to you for this amazing,hilarious career....I can only imagine what happens when Trump plays the CWC against a Mexican club

Your wish might very well be granted.

And yes, as Sam has said, thank you all for the comments. While the person who played this season must be fenomenal at FMM, the one playing the next season seems to be absolutely shite at it. (Yes, that's a spoiler.)