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04:16 1st June 2018, The Lowry Hotel, Salford

Jose Mourinho suddenly jolts upright in his bed, cold sweat sticking to his back from the terrifying dream, or was it a vision, of his disastrous next season at the worlds greatest football club. Having foreseen his embarrassing sacking just before Christmas he picks up his phone and sends a two worded text to Executive Vice Chairman Ed Woodward: "I quit". With that Jose disappears from public view, some say to become Zlat's personal ego masseuse.

Showing, for the first time in his career, great wisdom and footballing insight, Ed Woodward, having recently read about his monumentous "everyone's a goal scorer" career with PSG, picks up the phone and calls The Humble One, MULAMBO, destined to be the saviour of Manchester United....

His job...to return United to its rightful place at the pinnacle of English and European football whilst playing attacking football and developing youth


Mission accepted....

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Day 1:

Oi, you....

You've got 2 options:

Delete all your social media accounts, focus on what your paid to do and show that your worthy of wearing this shirt...oh and go get a proper hair cut

Or p*** off


Decision made

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